The Hidden Cost of Saying Yes to Everything

By David Porter

The silent costs of agreeing to everything are your peace of mind; it's the time, your energy, your ability to fully engage in the things that actually matter to you.

When you agree to every request you are silently disagreeing with your needs and exchanging your wellness for your desire for approval.

You cannot pour from an empty cup, and because of building resentment when you do things against your will, and because your time is finite, every small yes is a no to some larger no; as such, your life is being designed by other people's priorities and not your own.

The Desire to Satisfy Others

You need to understand why this happens; it has nothing to do with you being weak; it is a human instinct; we are wired to attach ourselves; we want to be a part of our communities and families; and, as a result, we all share a very, very old fear of being useless, which leads to fear of being unloved.

Think about how you think to yourself when you get a request for help; the first thought you will have will be to wonder about how you will be perceived by that person; you will question that you will be viewed as lazy; you will fear that your relationship will suffer; you will think, "It will just be this one time, I can handle it"; these thoughts are automatic and happen before you even consider your own schedule.

This is a trap for pleasing others that disguises itself as kindness and being a helpful person, but is most often, in reality, fear in a nice outfit; you exchange approval for your boundaries; you confuse being needed with being valued; when you agree due to fear, you are not giving a gift; you are paying a tax; and you are paying with your own personal well-being to maintain peace for someone else.

The Body Knows

You may think that you can push through fatigue, and if you simply drink enough coffee and get enough sleep on the weekends, you'll be fine; however, your body knows better; you are a person; you are a living being and have limited resources.

Every hour you give away is one less hour you will ever have; if you agree to an additional project you have said no to the walk you could have had; if you accept your friend's invitation to the social activity that you dread, you have said no to your quiet time for reflection or rejuvenation; you are piling commitment upon commitment; you think you are creating productivity or a productive life; in truth, you are laying down a foundation of burnout.

Your body will let you know when you go too far; it shows itself as an afternoon fatigue that feels like you have cement on your shoulders, becoming irritated at small things, having brain fog where you cannot focus on a simple task; this is not simply tiredness; it is your body telling you that you are empty; and if you do not heed the warnings you are teaching yourself that your body's needs are negotiable, and if you continue to not take care of yourself, you will eventually believe that you do not deserve to have rest.

The Opportunities You Miss

We are capable of seeing the immediate costs of working towards tasks. We know something will take us two hours to complete. We know it will tire us. Yet we are missing the opportunity costs by not thinking of what we can do with the time we wasted on that task.

That Saturday you wasted could've been your Saturday morning to start writing your book. That Saturday afternoon you wasted could have been your Saturday afternoon connecting with a long-lost friend. That Saturday evening you wasted could have been the time you simply lay down to rest, and wake feeling like a productive person.

Every time you say yes to someone else's request that is not a high priority, your answer to that request is a no to something that could have inspired you. It is a no to your hobbies. It is a no to your well-being. It is a no to your ability to work deeply. It is a no to fun, free-spirited moments. The time is lost to you twice: you're losing the time, and your potential. You lose the opportunity to invest in the life you want to live, versus investing in the life you precariously agreed to live.

Learn to Make Yourself Your Priority

So, how do you stop saying yes?

I know it's scary. Your heart will race at the thought of saying no to a request, and you will feel guilty about it; however, you are going to change. It is not going to happen all at once, but through baby steps.

Start small.

You do not have to say no to big requests right away; start with small, less consequential requests. Try saying, "Thanks for thinking of me, but I am going to say no." You will see that the world will keep turning and that the relationship will remain intact.

Buy some time for yourself. You do not have to answer right away. You can say, "Let me look at my calendar and get back to you." This provides a break in your fumbling to obtain an answer. You are given time and space to rethink your desire for the activity. This takes the answer from being driven by fear to being deliberated by intention.

Utilize the guidelines of legitimate excitement regarding a request. If you don't feel legitimate excitement about a request or if you can't provide an enthusiastic yes, then most probably it does not deserve an answer. Protect those times of excitement; they should be cherished.

You could offer an alternative to helping out; you could offer to limit your role in some assistance: "I can't help you out for the whole time, but I could read the document for 20 minutes." By providing the alternative, you are able to have the chance to help but are doing so on your terms.

You are not required to explain your reason.

You can offer a polite no as your answer. The days you reserve for yourself are the only ones that are going to create a productive you. It will feel awkward. Your voice may quiver. This is not only acceptable, but it's to be expected. You are building a new muscle, and it is not unusual to have an awkward feeling while you grow.